Monogamy: The One and Only?

Monogamy: The One and Only?

Let’s start with a pop quiz: What do ubiquitous, dominant, superior, natural, and normal have in common? If you guessed “words researchers use to describe monogamy,” ding ding ding—you’re absolutely right! It’s no secret that monogamy has been on a centuries-long winning streak in Western society, earning the default gold medal in the relationship Olympics. But here’s the thing—monogamy isn’t just a relationship style; it’s the relationship style. So much so that we’ve given it a fancy name: mononormativity.

Wait, What’s Mononormativity?

Mononormativity is the assumption that monogamy is the "normal" or "natural" way to do relationships. Basically, it’s the societal equivalent of that one person at a party who assumes everyone loves pineapple on pizza (but with fewer toppings and more legal policies). Over time, this idea has become so embedded in our culture that it’s practically invisible. Think of it like gravity—nobody questions it unless you’re an astronaut or, in this case, polyamorous.

But Why Does Monogamy Feel So… Inevitable?

Monogamy’s got a killer PR team, let me tell you. For centuries, people have been throwing around reasons for why monogamy is the “natural” choice, and they often lean on biology to back it up. Here are some hits from the “Why Monogamy Rules” playlist:

• Humans evolved to pair-bond because it helped ensure babies survived (aww, teamwork!).

• We’ve got sneaky biological tricks like concealed ovulation to keep mates sticking around.

• Monogamy supposedly helped curb the spread of STIs before penicillin came along.

  
  

Sounds legit, right? But here’s the twist: while biology plays a part, it’s not the whole story. Monogamy isn’t just natural; it’s also culturally constructed. That means we’ve been actively building it up as the go-to relationship model for centuries.

A Brief History of Monogamy’s Glow-Up

Monogamy didn’t get here by accident—it had help. Let’s roll back the timeline:

1. Medieval Times: The church decided monogamy was the way, outlawing other relationship styles and punishing those who dared to love differently.

2. Colonial Era: Monogamy became a tool for spreading "civilised" values. Nationalism and colonialism used the nuclear family as a moral weapon.

3. Modern Times: Relationships are less controlled by politics and more about personal satisfaction, but monogamy is still society’s favourite child.

   
   

How Does Mononormativity Show Up Today?

Fast-forward to now, and mononormativity is everywhere, from wedding hashtags (#foreverandever) to legal systems that make polyamory tricky. Even in media, monogamous relationships are shown as romantic and stable, while non-monogamy often gets labelled as chaotic or, let’s face it, downright scandalous.

And if you’re in a consensual non-monogamous (CNM) relationship? Well, buckle up, because you might face some harsh judgment. Studies show that people in monogamous relationships often see CNM folks as immoral or promiscuous. Spoiler alert: they’re not.

Who’s Breaking the Monogamy Mold?

Interestingly, CNM isn’t as niche as you might think. In the U.S., around 4-5% of people practice it, and up to 25% have had some form of non-monogamous experience. And while CNM spans all ages, genders, and orientations, queer folks—especially bisexual, gay, and trans individuals—are leading the charge. Why? They’re often less tied to traditional hetero and monogamous expectations, which makes exploring alternative dynamics more appealing.

The Real Impact of Mononormativity

It’s not just awkward Thanksgiving conversations—mononormativity has real-world consequences. CNM individuals often face:

• Stigma and Social Exclusion: People might assume they’re “indecent” or “corrupt.” Yikes.

• Healthcare Inequalities: Doctors sometimes pathologize CNM lifestyles, which isn’t exactly helpful.

• Legal Challenges: Bigamy laws and divorce systems aren’t exactly poly-friendly.

  
  

This stigma doesn’t just hurt feelings—it can lead to shame, isolation, and unequal treatment in healthcare and beyond.

Breaking the Monogamy Monopoly