One of the most consistent themes in problematic pornography use and compulsive sexual behaviour is not simply desire, access or habit.

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It is secrecy.

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Many boys and men do not struggle because they are uniquely broken, dangerous or morally defective. They struggle because the parts of themselves that feel confusing, shameful or unacceptable are often pushed into silence. Sexual curiosity, pornography use, desire, embarrassment, body concerns, performance anxiety, guilt, relational mistakes and private habits are rarely spoken about honestly.

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And what cannot be spoken about often cannot be properly understood.

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This is one of the reasons I believe relationship and sexuality education needs to move beyond information delivery. Boys and men do not only need facts. They need language. They need reflection. They need practice. They need spaces where difficult topics can be discussed without humiliation, but also without avoidance or excuse-making.

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That balance matters.

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Shame is rarely a good teacher. It may stop a conversation, but it does not reliably produce maturity. In many cases, shame pushes the issue underground. A young person who feels disgusting, abnormal or beyond help is less likely to ask questions, seek support or reflect honestly on their behaviour.

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But removing shame does not mean removing responsibility.

In fact, I think it is the opposite.

When shame reduces, responsibility often becomes more possible.

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A person who can say, “This is something I am struggling with,” or “This is something I do not understand,” or “This is a behaviour I need to change,” is far closer to growth than someone trapped in secrecy, denial or self-hatred.

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This is where school-based workshops can play an important preventative role.

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Schools are not therapy spaces, and they should not be treated as such. A classroom is not the place for young people to disclose private sexual histories or be pushed into personal confession. But schools can create structured, developmentally appropriate opportunities for boys to build the skills that reduce the likelihood of shame becoming isolation.

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They can help boys talk about pornography without panic.

They can help boys understand sexual pressure without moralising.

They can help boys think critically about masculinity, performance, bodies, consent, intimacy and respect.

They can help boys notice the difference between curiosity and compulsion, desire and entitlement, privacy and secrecy, guilt and shame.

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Most importantly, they can give boys practice in communication and self-reflection before these issues become adult problems.

This is the part we often miss.

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A boy does not become a healthy man simply because he has been told what not to do. He needs repeated opportunities to think about who he is, what he values, how he treats people, how he manages discomfort, and how he responds when his desires, emotions or habits do not align with the person he wants to become.

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That is skills-based work.

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It involves discussion, scenarios, reflection, role-play and honest conversation. It asks boys to consider what they are learning from pornography, peers, social media, sport, family, culture and silence. It asks them to develop an internal compass, not just memorise external rules.

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Because eventually, no adult will be standing next to them in the moment.

They will need to make choices based on the skills and values they have developed.

The same principle applies in small group work with men, but at a different depth.

 

Many men carry years of silence around sex, pornography, rejection, shame, performance, relationships and regret. Some have never had a conversation where they could speak honestly about these things without feeling judged or mocked. Others have had plenty of advice, but very little space for reflection.

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Small group work can be powerful because men often change in relationship with other men.

Not through humiliation. Not through being called out for sport. Not through being told they are the problem.

But through honest, accountable conversation.

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There is something significant that happens when a man hears another man speak openly about something he thought was only his own private struggle. The isolation begins to soften. The story changes from “I am uniquely broken” to “I am responsible for what I do next.”

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That shift is important.

 

When shame is reduced, men can often become more honest. When honesty increases, accountability becomes possible. And when accountability is held in a respectful environment, change becomes more than a private promise made after a moment of guilt.

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It becomes relational.

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This does not mean every issue requires group work. It does not mean all pornography use is problematic. It does not mean every man who feels sexual shame needs a recovery model. In fact, we need to be careful not to pathologise normal sexual curiosity, desire or behaviour simply because someone feels conflicted about it.

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But for boys and men who are stuck in secrecy, confusion or patterns they do not feel proud of, the ingredients matter.

Less shame.

More honesty.

More communication.

More self-reflection.

More responsibility.

More skill.

That is the bridge between prevention and intervention.

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With boys, the work is often about building foundations early: language, values, boundaries, critical thinking, consent, emotional regulation and respectful communication.

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With men, the work often becomes more reflective: What patterns have I built? What have I avoided? What am I ashamed of? What do I need to take responsibility for? What kind of man do I want to become in my relationships and sexuality?

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Both forms of work are connected.

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They are about helping boys and men move from silence to skill.

From shame to reflection.

From secrecy to honest responsibility.

From simply knowing what is right to practising how to live it.

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That is where I believe the future of boys’ and men’s relationship and sexuality education needs to go. Not louder shame. Not softer accountability. Not more slogans.

Better conversations.

Better skills.

Better models of what it means to be a healthy, honest and responsible man.

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Jordan Walker

August 2027